


Old And Bald, Or Young With Scabby Knees

by TrekBec82



Series: Ineffable Husbands [6]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Fluff and Smut, Harry Potter References, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, MCU References, Post-Canon, Saving the World
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 13:48:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20489879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrekBec82/pseuds/TrekBec82
Summary: The Ineffable Husbands recruit a team to save the world. Things get...interesting.





	Old And Bald, Or Young With Scabby Knees

**Author's Note:**

> We're coming to the end of this series, with just one more main part to go...and maybe a short bonus after that. We'll see.
> 
> The title comes from the Hogwarts school song - with the full lyrics typed from memory because I've been a Potterhead since 2002.
> 
> If you'd like to follow me on Tumblr - where I share loads of Good Omens posts and a sprinkling of other things - you can do so at [TrekBec82](http://trekbec82.tumblr.com/).

They’d been married a month, and no matter which of them you asked, they’d say it had been the best month of their very long lives. Crowley had driven on the Autobahn at 300km/hr - letting his 1926 Bentley think it was a 2019 Continental GT for a brief while was a real joy - even with Aziraphale sitting in the passenger seat, eyes squeezed tightly shut and a scream pouring unbroken from his lips for a solid 5 minutes. He’d finally stopped when Crowley slowed down to 150km/hr - barely faster than most of the humans sharing the road. Aziraphale ate his way around Europe, dining on every new delicacy and old favourite imaginable, with Crowley drinking delicious wines, nibbling the odd morsel of whatever Aziraphale was having, and generally enjoying their time together. 

Upon their return to London they started the process of moving to Winchester. Aziraphale placed a sign in the window of his bookshop, announcing its impending (and rather immediate) closure. Crowley talked to the plants, preparing them for the upcoming permanent change of scenery. They found a property they liked enough to buy, modified the house to fit their many possessions - and then miracled everything from their old homes to the new one because neither of them trusted human movers to do it right. Aziraphale completely reorganised his books under the Dewey Decimal system, finally comfortable with doing so now that discouraging customers from buying anything was no longer a concern. The wine cellar was reorganised using a system of their own devising - which would make no sense to anyone but those who shared it, and therefore defies explanation here. Some plants went into the ground for the first time. Others stayed in pots - residing in the new greenhouse, on the front verandah, or inside the house - depending on where Crowley thought they might thrive best.

Aziraphale spent hours reading, sitting on a swing chair on the verandah where the light was good and Crowley was nearby as he pottered around the garden. At night they often lay on the soft grass of their front lawn, holding hands and stargazing as they reminisced about their past and planned their future. When the weather was too cold and wet to stay outside they’d listen to Crowley’s records and dance around their living room, while a woodfire burned merrily in the grate. They curled up together on Aziraphale’s cosy old couch to watch movies, and made love whenever the mood struck them. They were content and at peace, except in those moments when God’s words echoed in their minds - they needed to DO something to save both humanity and the Earth, and they needed to do it SOON. 

They started to focus on movies and TV shows that dealt with averting apocalyptic events and major disasters, hoping to find inspiration for their very real dilemma in human fictional media. They were both struck by Peter Quill’s response to Rocket Racoon asking him why he wanted to save the galaxy - “because I’m one of the idiots who lives in it!” - and wondered if that might be a way to inspire assistance from the people they would inevitably need to approach. Crowley decided to get into some online discussions, and discovered that whilst many average everyday citizens were aware that they needed to DO SOMETHING to save the world, they either had no idea specifically what, or felt powerless to enact the changes needed. Some governments were working towards goals which would contribute positively, whilst others seemed to be working for the opposite result - enabling and encouraging practices which focussed on short-term economic gain to the detriment of long-term survivability. 

After watching more movies from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, they decided they needed to pull a Thor & Loki, and GET HELP - though not by one of them throwing the other. It was Crowley who suggested recruiting assistance from all three potential sources - Heaven, Hell, and Humanity. Aziraphale was hesitant to contact any angels, as he felt they could not be trusted so soon after trying to destroy him. Crowley thought they might have a potential ally in a demon known as Eric the Disposable - who despite being destroyed repeatedly, kept coming back. As the demon with the best hygiene and manners after Crowley himself, he seemed the most likely to join their side, and might be persuaded to do so in exchange for protection from Hastur - his most frequent source of destruction.

After a phone call to consult with Anathema regarding Humanity, they decided to target Bill Gates first. Formerly the wealthiest man on the planet, he had been a philanthropist for almost two decades, and seemed the best prospect - with fame, fortune, and a sense of fairness in one package. The biggest problem with recruiting humans was going to be figuring out what to tell them - at least with Eric they could simply tell the truth, or a mildly edited version thereof. They decided to contact Eric first, hoping he might have some ideas on how to approach Bill.

No longer being a demon meant that Crowley couldn’t go to Hell to speak with Eric, so it took some time before they were finally able to make contact. After eventually tracking him down, they explained their mission, and the demon came on board immediately - on the condition that they assist him with completing Hell’s assigned tasks so that he would have time to participate in their project. This seemed like such a reasonable request that both Aziraphale and Crowley wondered if it was too good to be true, but Eric explained that he quite admired their balance of good and evil, and hoped that God might eventually grant him the same Earthly Angelic nature they now enjoyed. 

Eric had no more ideas on how to explain their mission to humans than they did, but suggested another potential ally in Hell with far more sway than he himself possessed - Dagon, Lord of the Files and Master of Torments. Crowley thought this was a spectacularly bad idea after hearing about Dagon’s “glorious revolution” sentiments regarding their Fall from Heaven, but with God recently informing them that the Fall was due to an Angelic Civil War more than a direct rebellion against God Herself, he was eventually persuaded that Eric should request an audience with Dagon. He insisted that the meeting take place in the middle of nowhere, to minimise the potential fallout should things go poorly. To his great surprise, Dagon agreed to the meeting, and listened patiently to the three of them as they explained their mission, and its source.

After hearing them out, Dagon said “It surprises me that She has deigned to intervene in this matter after leaving humanity to destroy so much for so long, but it pleases me to hear that something is to be done at last.”  
“You are?” Crowley said, incredulously.  
“I am. If they continue to destroy this planet for much longer they will go extinct. If they go extinct, I will only have my fellow demons to torment, and that will get boring in very little time at all. It is in my own interests that humanity survives, and if aiding you is the means to that end, then so be it.”  
“That’s not QUITE the angle we were hoping for, but I am glad you want to assist us,” Aziraphale said.  
“What is your role in this, Eric the Disposable?” Dagon asked.  
“I don’t particularly like it in Hell, and I am not good enough for Heaven - nor do I want to be. I would like to join these two on Earth, if God will allow it. I would appreciate you not destroying me, so that I may work towards that goal in addition to saving the Earth and its people,” Eric replied.  
“Very well. I swear not to destroy you while we work on this task together. If at the end of it God grants your request, you will no longer be under my jurisdiction. If She does not grant it, I will personally destroy you - and I am far more competent than Hastur in that regard, I can assure you.”  
Eric visibly swallowed, then nodded. “Alright. I can...work with that.”

“Excellent. Now, what is your plan for recruiting the Gates man?” Dagon asked.  
Crowley, Aziraphale, and Eric looked at each other then at Dagon.  
“We were hoping you might be able to help us with that, actually,” Aziraphale said.  
“Why do you think I should know, any better than you?” Dagon enquired.  
“Because as Lord of the Files, you have access to the full list of his sins, vices, weaknesses, and any means of exploiting either his better nature or his worse one,” Crowley answered.  
“Ah. I see. You truly need my specific help. It was not merely a case of boosting your ranks. I am flattered.” Dagon said.  
“Eric suggested you to us. He thought you would be a useful ally. We hope you will prove him right,” Aziaphale said.  
“We may be allies in this task, but we are still enemies in all other regards. I will not hesitate to work against you if doing so does not run counter to the success of this mission,” Dagon said indignantly.  
“We would expect nothing less,” Crowley assured the Under-Duke of Hell.

After another phone call with Anathema, it was concluded that Crowley (as the most tech-savvy of the group) should contact the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation via their website, and make an appointment to discuss the possibility of a collaborative partnership. If Crowley used a minor miracle to ensure a prompt response in the affirmative from Bill Gates himself, nobody was likely to call him out on it. Anathema asked if she might join them at the meeting, and allowing it proved to be one of the wisest decisions they’d made, as she brought copious notes on the various subjects they intended to discuss, and spoke in such a calmly passionate manner that Bill could not refuse her. In fact, he immediately recommended that they bring his wife Melinda and their fellow Foundation trustee Warren Buffet on board, and floated the possibility of recruiting other billionaires, including Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos.

Crowley was keen to include Elon Musk for his love of space and adventure alone - his financial wealth and skills in engineering were considered bonuses. Aziraphale had never heard of anyone they mentioned, and was astonished at the absurd amounts of money these people hoarded like the dragons of old folk tales - especially given the abject poverty so many others lived in around the world. Given the opportunity and ability, Aziraphale would have drained their accounts and redistributed the funds to those in need - but with no idea how money worked when you couldn’t miracle it from thin air, he was prevented from doing so. Anathema had much more of an idea how money worked, and lacked only the hacking skills to accomplish it - her conscience would not have stopped her. Eric really didn’t care which humans they worked with as long as they were on Team Save Earth.  *

Jeff Bezos turned out to be an even bigger bastard than the internet suggested he might be - rejecting their plea over the phone, saying he really didn’t give a (string of expletives Aziraphale refused to repeat) about the environment, and not to bother him again. Unfortunately for the CEO of Amazon, he made a trip to the UK only a matter of weeks later, and Crowley “accidentally” hit him with the Bentley as he crossed the road for overpriced coffee. Three days later he awoke from an induced coma to discover he’d donated 99% of his net worth to a new foundation he couldn’t remember joining but was suddenly extremely passionate about. This left him a very wealthy man by most people’s standards, silenced Anathema and Aziraphale’s calls for blood, and gave them a LOT of money to work with. They were however very careful not to tell Bill or Melinda Gates, Warren Buffet, or Elon Musk about this particular method of wealth acquisition.

Elon - Crowley was thrilled to discover - was a joy to work with. He jumped on board as swiftly as the Gates couple had, and brought a childlike enthusiasm to the table which everyone found infectious. As the token “regular person” on the team, Anathema found the dynamics interesting, and often suggested others to join. World leaders had been ruled out as they didn’t want to cause political unrest between nations, but it was eventually agreed that they needed more “regular people”. Aziraphale took this on board with gusto - partially as a means of avoiding the inevitable selection of angels. His first (and only) recruits were the Them - because as Aziraphale argued “children are the future - it seems fitting that they have a say in how it goes!” - and Crowley found himself agreeing, purely so he could spend more time with Adam. 

The dreaded day came when they could no longer afford to postpone contacting Heaven, and Aziraphale sent a message to Michael, asking for the opportunity to converse with her on a matter of unspecified but significant importance. Aziraphale did not trust Michael, but believed she would be more amenable to discussion than Gabriel, Uriel, or Sandalphon - and was fortunately proven correct. Michael took her seat at the round table of Team Save Earth, and listened attentively to all they had to say - including Dagon and Eric. She was not surprised by their selfish motivations, but was impressed with their willingness to cooperate, and agreed to work alongside them on the condition that they swear not to corrupt the souls of any human on the Team. Both Dagon and Eric looked at her disdainfully at this suggestion, as if it had not even occurred to them that they COULD corrupt any of the souls seated around the table with them.

Michael then suggested that they get all the Choirs of Angels on board, with the specific focus of saving endangered species, rejuvenating polar ice caps, and restoring rainforests. She believed that reporting God’s mandate to the Caretakers as Orders for all angels, she could convince them to come on board. Her greatest point of concern was Gabriel - still smarting from the averted apocalypse, and still not over Aziraphale’s survival of Hellfire, his “leadership” had become unbearable, and Heaven as a whole was close to deposing him - and would have done already if anyone had presented themselves as an alternative. Aziraphale was stunned by this revelation, but Crowley, Dagon and Eric were not - despite having no memory of the Civil War that had been the cause of their Fall, they immediately believed Heaven capable of repeating its past mistakes. 

After listening intently to these discussions, Pepper boldly asked, “Why haven’t YOU put yourself forward as a candidate?”  
Michael simply looked at her for a moment, then quietly answered. “The first war in history - the war that caused the Fall of 100,000 angels - was largely in response to my own failed leadership. I do not think it would be appropriate for me to present myself as an alternative to Gabriel now.”  
“Well that’s just stupid!” Pepper exclaimed. “CLEARLY you’ve learnt from your mistakes, and you don’t want to repeat them, so I think you’d be better than Gabriel, if what you’ve told us about him is true.”  
“It is true, child. I swear it in God’s name,” Michael said.  
Aziraphale gasped. For an angel to swear anything in God’s name it must be true in every regard, or they could not utter the oath.  
“Then you should depose him!” Pepper said, indignant.  
“That would cause another Civil War. There are those who would support Gabriel no matter how bad his leadership. I cannot be the cause of another war. I must not.”

Crowley had been musing quietly for some time, and finally spoke. “We could ask God to remove him. She told us we could call for help if we needed it, though not to ask lightly. This is something only She can do in a way that prevents another war. I think we should ask Her. The worst She can say is ‘no’ - and we’re no worse off if that’s Her answer.”  
Aziraphale looked at his husband thoughtfully before responding. “I agree with Crowley. Removing Gabriel from leadership of Heaven is something only She should do. Would you be willing to take up the mantle if She asks it of you, Michael?”  
“If God Herself asks me, I will not refuse Her - but I will do it for nobody else,” she answered.  
Anathema happened to be seated next to Michael, and placed her hand lightly over the angel’s. “I can’t imagine the difficulties you have faced throughout the years, but your aura tells me all I need to know. You are ready to take back the leadership of Heaven - whether you believe you are or not.”

“My...aura?” Michael asked.  
“Yes. I see auras. Aziraphale and Crowley were the first I saw with halos, but Dagon, Eric and yourself have them also - it seems all ethereal and occult beings do. Your aura is a rich blue, and your halo is bright platinum,” Anathema told her.  
“What do the others look like?”  
“Everyone’s is different. Aziraphale and Crowley’s auras swapped halos when they became a couple. Dagon and Eric’s both include shades of red, as does Crowley’s, so I’m starting to wonder if that’s a common trait among demons - and former demon. Human auras don’t have halos - with the exception of Adam because he’s not an ordinary human.”  
“And these auras tell you things about people?” Michael enquired.  
“They do. Weak auras tell me a person is suffering - whether physically, mentally, emotionally, or a combination thereof. Particularly strong auras tell me a person has grown, and is ready for the next stage of their life to begin. Yours is one of the strongest I’ve seen, excluding Aziraphale and Crowley’s after they confessed their love for one another. You’re ready for something BIG. I think this might be it.”  
Michael turned to Aziraphale and Crowley. “How do you intend to ask God to do this?”  
“By asking nicely, obviously,” Aziraphale answered.

Looking skywards, Aziraphale spoke at slightly above normal conversational volume, “God? We need Your assistance, please.”  
A young lady joined those seated at the table, recognised by Aziraphale, Crowley, Anathema and the Them. Pepper was the first to speak to Her - in an accusing tone.  
“You were at the wedding! You told us Your name was Catherine Amelia Trousers, but that we should call You Kitty! You said You have a black cat named Merah because that’s Indonesian for red and You like irony! You said Your favourite food is Mississippi mud cake and that anyone who tells us chocolate is sinful is an idiot!”  
Reminded of Aziraphale’s earlier accusations, God blinked at this tirade, then calmly replied. “I do have a black cat named Merah. I do enjoy irony. My favourite food IS Mississippi mud cake - it’s denser than sponge but lighter than Boston mud cake. Chocolate is no more sinful than any other food, as long as you eat it in moderation. And I DO go by the name Kitty Trousers on those rare occasions when I need to blend in with humanity.”

Aziraphale, Crowley, Michael, Dagon and Eric looked at each other as if to say “Kitty Trousers?!?!?!” - though none of them dared to verbalise it.  
God looked at each of them in turn, then said “Aziraphale. You said you needed My assistance. What aid do you require of Me?”  
Aziraphale cleared his throat, and began to explain - how they were working together, this little group, to try to save the Earth and its people - but that the assistance they needed from Heaven was unlikely to be forthcoming under Gabriel’s leadership. How Michael had refused to depose him, in order to preserve what little peace remained amongst the Choirs. How she had agreed to take up the mantle of leadership only if God Herself removed Gabriel, and asked it of her.

God sat in quiet contemplation of this information, then spoke to Anathema. “My love, I know you see auras. What is your opinion on this matter?”  
Anathema had enjoyed their conversations at Aziraphale and Crowley’s wedding reception, and fell easily into the rapport they had developed. “Without having met any other contenders I cannot guarantee she’s the only one fit for the role, but I do believe Michael would make a conscientious effort to perform it admirably. She swore on Your name that what she told us of Gabriel was true, and I could tell from Aziraphale’s reaction that it was a significant thing to do. Ultimately the decision is of course Yours to make, but I would recommend replacing Gabriel with Michael - perhaps beginning with a trial period, to see how things go.”  
“Thank you, My love. If only all leaders had such wise advisors, perhaps things would go more smoothly.” 

With a flash of lightning, Gabriel joined the room, standing between God and Michael’s seats. “What is the meaning of this?” he demanded. “Why have you summoned me here? What is going on, Michael?”  
“It is I who have summoned you here, Gabriel - and it is I you should be addressing,” God said, before Michael could answer.  
“And just who the blazes are you, young lady?” Gabriel asked rudely.  
“I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD, AND YOU **_WILL_** SHOW PROPER REVERENCE!” She thundered, furious at his insubordination.  
Realising his mistake, Gabriel bowed deeply before Her, and spluttered “God! Please forgive me! I did not recognise You!”  
“Odd, that the most powerful Archangel and leader of the Choirs of Heaven should not recognise Me - when Crowley, a former demon of Hell - did.”  
“I believe he had the advantage of meeting You in this form at his wedding, did he not?” Gabriel sneered - coming perilously close to once again forgetting exactly who he was talking to.

“HE RECOGNISED ME FOR WHO I WAS THE MOMENT HE FIRST SAW ME - **_AT_** HIS WEDDING. YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, CANNOT SEEM TO KEEP IT IN YOUR HEAD FOR MORE THAN A FEW SECONDS, EVEN AFTER BEING TOLD IT DIRECTLY. YOU ARE HEREBY STRIPPED OF THE RANK OF ARCHANGEL, STRIPPED OF THE LEADERSHIP OF HEAVEN, AND ARE ON THE BRINK OF FALLING, GABRIEL. YOU WILL RETURN TO HEAVEN AND YOU WILL DO AS MICHAEL ORDERS YOU. IF YOU CANNOT DO AS SHE SAYS, YOU **_WILL_** FALL, AND YOU WILL FALL **_HARD_**. NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!”

Gabriel disappeared with another flash of lightning, and God turned Her gaze on Michael.  
“Will you lead the Choirs of Angels with dignity and justice?”  
“I will,” Michael answered.  
“Will you work alongside My Caretakers, and this group they have assembled, in their efforts to save the Earth and its people?”  
“I will.”  
“And will you help them to find a better name than ‘Team Save Earth’?”  
“Gladly.”  
“Then you are hereby restored to the leadership of Heaven. It’s been a long time coming, and I’m glad we’re finally there. Gabriel was only ever meant to be an interim leader, and I’ve wanted to punt him off a cloud more times than you know.”  
The humans around the table laughed at this, and God smiled indulgently at them.  
“Good luck, My loves. Call again if you need Me - this has been a surprisingly fun time!”  
And with that, the young lady was gone.

At this point, observant readers may be asking themselves where these meetings are being held, and how the humans are getting there. With one deity, two Archangels, two demons, multiple famous billionaires, and five residents of Tadfield (4 of them very much underage) in attendance - in addition to their Caretaker hosts - these are reasonable questions. Some might suspect a locale in Tadfield - and with an airfield the billionaires could almost certainly pay the US military exorbitantly for private access to, this isn't a bad guess. It is however, an incorrect one. The actual location is Aziraphale and Crowley's house in Winchester, and how the humans get there is a lot better for the environment than private jets and public transport. The husbands have by now watched thousands of movies from across every genre - and Aziraphale has read many MANY novels besides - so they were inspired to develop portals for the instantaneous transportation of human members of Team Save Earth. Each billionaire has one in their primary residence, and Anathema has one at Jasmine Cottage for herself and the Them. One simply opens a specific door at their end while Aziraphale and Crowley have their corresponding portal door open, and steps through. If the door in Winchester is closed, the door opens onto an ordinary-looking linen cupboard. 

Astute readers are probably also wondering what the billionaires were told when bringing them on board. The simple answer is - the truth. Bill and Melinda Gates assumed that Aziraphale and Crowley were joking about their nature, and were in fact eccentric billionaires themselves, trying to maintain their privacy. Warren Buffet made similar assumptions, and Jeff Bezos didn't stick around long enough to find out. Elon Musk however called them out on their claim of being angels, and insisted they prove it. Thus, the entire group were marched out to the garden, and both Aziraphale and Crowley spread their wings. Elon's response was a simple "huh - nice colouring!", and everyone marched back inside to continue their discussions. 

Apologies - we digress. Back to the story. 

After God had departed, Michael stood and said "I should probably get up there and sort things out. Let me know when the next gathering is going to be held, and I shall be here. Dagon, if I may make a suggestion - I believe you would be wise to bring Beelzebub into the fold. They will not like being on the sidelines now that I am part of this."  
"I may be a demon, but I'm not an idiot. Bringing Beelzebub along is an obvious next step, if I want my existence to continue - which I do," Dagon retorted.  
Michael sighed, bid everyone farewell, then departed with a flash of light. 

Dagon then rose and said "I should get down there and talk to Beelz. Let me know when to be here and I'll bring them with me. This could get interesting though - I hope you've got insurance on this place." Dagon walked outside, and descended through the patch of dirt Crowley had cleared as their designated place to travel through without destroying the garden. The billionaires made their own farewells and used the portal to travel home, leaving Aziraphale, Crowley, Anathema and the Them in relative peace and quiet until Anathema glanced at the clock and said "I should get the four of you home." The Them began to mutiny, but Aziraphale quelled them, saying "we want you to be allowed to keep coming - best you go home in time for your dinner". After hugs all around, Adam, Pepper, Brian and Wensleydale followed Anathema through the portal to Jasmine Cottage. 

Crowley closed the portal door, and the two Caretakers heaved a sigh of relief as they had their home to themselves for the first time in several hours. They were pleased with their progress, but dealing with people from such wildly different walks of life was exhausting. They collapsed side-by-side onto Aziraphale's old couch and twined their fingers together. After sitting in companionable silence for a while, Crowley half-turned his head and said "so, Michael's back in charge Upstairs. How do you feel about that?"  
"I think she'll do a better job of it that Gabriel has, but I'm glad she's not my boss anymore," Aziraphale answered. 

After a peaceful lull, Aziraphale said "I can't believe Pepper roused at God the way she did."  
Crowley chuckled. "I can! She stood up to War without batting an eye - doesn't surprise me at all that she'd call out anyone who tries to bluff her."  
"What a pseudonym to go by, though! Catherine Amelia Trousers - puts an interesting spin on the 'God spelled backwards is Dog' thing people are forever pointing out."  
"I quite like it. It suits Her, especially in the human form She's using lately. She always was a lot more like a cat than a dog, after all. Loves being loved but isn't afraid to claw your eyes out if you do the wrong thing."  
Aziraphale laughed and said "You know, I never would have drawn that comparison before today, but you're right. It suits Her very well indeed." 

After another stretch of quiet, Crowley climbed into Aziraphale's lap, and kissed him. "I love you, Angel."  
"I love you too, Crowley dear. What would you like to do tonight?"  
"I would like to go to our bedroom, take off our clothes, slide under the blankets, and curl myself around you for about 12 hours. At dawn, I would like to go out to the backyard and dance under the sprinkler with our wings out, like that sulphur-crested cockatoo we saw on YouTube."  
"That sounds quite lovely, dear. Lead the way." 

Once under the covers, Crowley wrapped himself around Aziraphale like the more-or-less-human embodiment of a snake, tucked his head into the curve of Aziraphale's neck and shoulder, and went to sleep. Aziraphale lay with his arms around his husband, thinking of all they had accomplished, and how much remained yet to do. He wasn’t particularly eager for Beelzebub and Michael to be in their home at the same time, but things had worked out well enough so far, and Dagon was sure to tell the Prince of Hell that God Herself had demoted Gabriel in their presence. There was no telling how this news might be received, given their history - but Aziraphale felt that God had made the right decision, no matter how Beelzebub took it. 

Aziraphale eventually drifted off to sleep himself, and was woken hours later when Crowley started nuzzling his neck. Crowley's hands then began to meander, until one cupped Aziraphale between his thighs, and gently stroked his Effort. Crowley slowly unfurled his lanky form, stretching to his full length before straddling Aziraphale and kissing him, gradually increasing the intensity of their passion until they were panting into each other's mouths more than actually kissing. Aziraphale had grasped Crowley's Effort in his one hand, and a firm buttock in the other, holding him close. As one they reached their climax, shuddering with their shared pleasure, whimpering one another's names as they lost the ability to contain themselves. 

They lay tangled in each other and the bedding until the sun began to rise, then miracled themselves and the linen clean before heading outside. Crowley turned on the sprinkler, and spreading their wings wide, they ran in and out of its spray, twirling and zigzagging, laughing like small children on a hot summer's day. This had become one of their small pleasures, and if their neighbours (who were not at all close by) thought it odd that grown men would play under the sprinkler at dawn, Aziraphale and Crowley were none the wiser. When they tired of their game, they sat on the verandah and gently preened each other's wings, realigning each feather with care until every primary, secondary, tertial and covert sat perfectly. 

As Crowley smoothed the last feather into place, he enquired "breakfast, Angel?"  
"Oh yes please, dear," Aziraphale answered.  
"What would you like?"  
"A ham and cheese croissant would go down a treat. And some tea, I think."  
"Alright, you start the tea, I'll start the food."  
"Thank you, my love."  
In a strange twist of fate, Aziraphale enjoyed eating food but was an abysmal cook, whilst Crowley rarely ate much but excelled at preparing a wide variety of meals. They'd accepted it as one of those "isn't this odd - thank goodness we have each other" things that life so often throws at people, and fallen into a comfortable rhythm. In fact, Crowley had discovered that he enjoyed cooking almost as much as gardening - though he still hadn't figured out whether this was due to the cooking itself, or how enthusiastically Aziraphale showed his appreciation for the effort. 

After breakfast they sent messages to each member of Team Save Earth (please SOMEBODY, think of a better name!) to begin the rather tedious process of finding a time for their next meeting that suited everybody. The Them preferred Saturdays and Sundays due to school. The billionaires preferred weekdays because they wanted to spend weekends with their families. The demons didn’t really care, their schedules were pretty flexible. Michael requested some time to settle back into the role of leading in Heaven, and dealing with Gabriel - which they thought was perfectly understandable. Anathema suggested a short weekday afternoon meeting so that the Them could attend after school - with the sole purpose of bringing Beelzebub up to speed. It was this compromise that settled the date, and a few weeks later they gathered once more in Winchester.

Anathema and the Them arrived promptly at 4pm, with the billionaires arriving only a few minutes later (time is money, as the saying goes). Michael arrived next with an angel none of them recognised in tow, and last were Eric, Dagon and Beelzebub. Everyone seated around the table was talking to their neighbour and the volume in the room became such that Azairaphale’s gentle calls to attention were ignored until Pepper noticed. Lacking no self-confidence of her own, and having recently been allowed to watch the Harry Potter movies, she channelled her inner Ginny Weasley, stood on her chair, and yelled “OI!!! SHUT IT!!!” At this everyone fell silent, and Beelzebub gaped at the audacity this young child was once again displaying. 

Aziraphale nodded his thanks to Pepper, and she took her seat. He began by saying “Thank you all for coming. The purpose of this meeting is first and foremost to bring Lord Beelzebub up to speed, and to allow everyone not already acquainted with them to become so. Firstly though, I would ask you, Michael, to please introduce your guest.”  
Michael and the unfamiliar angel stood, and Michael said “This is Haniel - God Herself has asked her to be my assistant, as I cannot trust Uriel or Sandalphon - they have sided with Gabriel, and the malcontents are seeding discord amongst the Choirs even as we speak. Haniel will be my representative here for any meeting which I am unable to attend - which sadly may be all of them, as I try to prevent another Civil War. I would ask you to extend her every courtesy you would show me, and to please keep her informed of all pertinent information.”

Beelzebub looked at Michael with surprise - they were one of very few demons with any memory of the first Civil War, and despite Dagon’s thorough recitation of the previous meeting, had not expected to find Michael so changed. The Prince of Hell was impressed, and thus spoke kindly to their archrival. “I know what it izzz to have the seedzzz of dizzzcord planted, watered, and nourished at all timezzz. If you truly wish to avoid another Civil War, you muzzzt find a way to unite all the Choirzzz. Thizzz tazzzk the traitorouzzz Caretakerzzz have brought uzzz into may be that unifying force, if you utilizzze it fully, azzz I intend to.”

All eyes turned to Beelzebub at this, and Crowley asked “What DO you intend to do, if I may ask?”  
“I intend for every demon to work towardzzz saving the animalzzz they have an affinity with, and the habitatzzz thereof. I personally intend to save not only my preciouzzz fliezzz, but all buzzing insectzzz - most ezzzpecially the beezzz, azzz I cannot have honey for my fliezzz if they all die out.”  
Michael blinked widely at Beelzebub’s justification for saving not only flies, but bees as well, and said “I don’t know whether to be disappointed or impressed. You have found a way to make saving God’s creatures a selfish act.”  
“Of courzzze I have - they wouldn’t do it otherwizzze!”  
“I meant no disrespect, Beelzebub. We are longtime adversaries, but in this we are united. If presenting it as a selfish act is what works best, then you will hear no argument from me on the matter. I was merely remarking that my nature tells me it’s a terrible idea, but the outcome we are striving for requires creative thinking, which you have always excelled at.”  
Beelzebub calmed at this, and nodded. “Very well. If you need my ‘creative thinking’ for how to bezzzt prezzzent it to the Choirzzz, you may azzzk it of me.”

“Actually, we need your creative thinking to come up with a better name than Team Save Earth,” Adam piped up.  
“Ah, young antichrizzzt. Who came up with that pathetic name?”  
“I did,” said Aziraphale.  
“I should have known. I am surprizzzed Crowley didn’t come up with something better. Azzz a star-shaper he had so much potential and creativity. Perhapzzz he is getting soft now that he izzz married to you.”  
“That’s enough insulting my husband, thank you,” said Crowley.  
“They insulted you too, my dear,” interjected Aziraphale.  
“I know, but I’m used to it, I don’t actually care. Insulting you is a low blow.”  
“I’m fine dear, thank you.”  
“Ugh, enough with thizzz mushy nonsenzzze! Team Save Earth is a pathetic name, and none of you should stand for it.”  
“Well then, what’s your suggestion?”  
“Hogwarts!” Pepper exclaimed suddenly.

Anathema, Elon and the Them caught on almost immediately, but everyone else looked at her blankly. (Aziraphale and Crowley hadn’t got around to watching the Harry Potter movies yet.) Anathema brought up the Hogwarts crest on her phone and showed the older billionaires, angels, and demons. The billionaires realised what Pepper was suggesting, but angels and demons can be surprisingly thick at times, and needed it explained in simple terms.

Pepper pointed at the phone as she spoke. “Look at the big H in the middle. In the Harry Potter universe it stands for Hogwarts - the magic school they go to - but for us it could be Heaven, Hell, or Humanity - we all start with H. And we need magic if we’re going to succeed. Whether it’s angelic magic, demonic magic, or human magic - which you guys,” she pointed to the billionaires, “call money. And at the end, the houses have to work together to defeat Voldemort and his Death Eaters. That’s like us too - we have to work together if we’re going to save the Earth. So we’re Hogwarts.”

The Them started singing the Hogwarts school song. Anathema quickly joined in, followed by Elon, but they’d lost everyone else again, and Pepper had more explaining to do. “It’s the Hogwarts school song - it could be our theme song!”  
“Do we need a theme song?” Michael asked.  
“All good teams have a song!” Pepper argued.  
“She’s not wrong,” Bill said.  
“Alright young mizzz with the frizzz, teach uzzz thizzz song,” Beelzebub ordered.

The Them began to sing again:  
🎶 “_Hogwarts, Hogwarts_  
_Hoggy warty Hogwarts_  
_Teach us something please_  
_Whether we be old and bald_  
_Or young with scabby knees_  
_Our heads could do with filling_  
_With some interesting stuff_  
_For now they’re bare and full of air_  
_Dead flies and bits of fluff_  
_So teach us things worth knowing_  
_Bring back what we’ve forgot_  
_Just do you best, we’ll do the rest_  
_And learn until our brains all rot!_”🎶 

“Dead fliezzz and bitzzz of fluff?!” Beelzebub asked, aghast.  
“It’s just a song,” Pepper said, trying to soothe the demon.  
“It’s not ACTUALLY about dead flies, it’s a metaphor,” said Wensleydale.  
“Yeah!” said Brian, finally feeling confident enough to speak up now that he was the only Them who hadn’t yet, and only needed to agree with his friend.  
“It’s also got the lines about old and bald or young with scabby knees - we’ve got scabby knees, and some of you are pretty old, so that’s another thing the song is good for - it unites us, just like the students and professors at Hogwarts,” said Adam.  
“Some of us are older than Time itself,” Michael said.  
“Even better then - you’re not bald, but you’re definitely what I call old, if you’re older than Time.”  
“I do not feel so old right now, young antichrist. I could sing this Hogwarts song, I think. I do lead the Choirs, after all.”  
“Should we try and all sing it together?” Pepper asked.  
They all nodded, some more confidently than others, and Pepper led them in their new Team Song.  
“It will require practice,” Michael said when they finished.  
“Yezzz, it certainly will,” agreed Beelzebub.

After that things went quite smoothly. Michael attended as many meetings as she could, and Haniel attended all of them, along with the rest of Hogwarts! (Team Save Earth). Michael eventually quelled the attempted uprisings in Heaven, and convinced the Choirs to work towards her chosen goals. Where their efforts overlapped with that of Hell, she coordinated with Beelzebub, and both sides worked in conjunction with the billionaires to redirect humanity. It was slow going and hard work, with many setbacks (mostly caused by selfish humans), but things gradually improved as their work continued. At one particularly memorable meeting, Michael opened a communication channel to Heaven, and surprised the rest of the Team with a rousing rendition of the Hogwarts song, sung by all the Choirs of angels. Not to be outdone, Beelzebub opened a channel to Hell and had the demons do likewise. Their version was more like what one might expect from a gathering of death metal bands rather than celestial harmonies, but it was impressive nonetheless.

Aziraphale and Crowley slowly got used to working with their odd assortment of colleagues, and enjoyed their alone time together on the days in between. One quiet afternoon there was a knock at their front door, and they opened it to find Eric standing there. “Would you please help me? As you both know, I’d like to ask God if I may join you as Caretakers. I’m ready to ask, but I don’t know if She will answer my call.”  
“Of course we will help you,” Aziraphale said.  
“Please, come in,” added Crowley.  
And so he did.

**Footnote**  
* The team name needs work - they know this, we know this, it is what it is. [return to text]

**Author's Note:**

> The [Bentley Continental GT](https://www.bentleymotors.com/en/models/new-continental/new-continental-gt.html) is a sweet looking ride with a max speed of 333km/hr - 207mph.
> 
> If you're not familiar with Guardians of the Galaxy and don't have time to watch the entire thing, skip to 4:13 in [this collection](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=es0JByDppcQ) of moments.
> 
> If your life has been deprived of the romp that is Thor Ragnarok, here's "[Get Help](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpZakOJlRoY)".
> 
> The [Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_%26_Melinda_Gates_Foundation) does a lot of philanthropic work. [Warren Buffet](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warren_Buffett) really is one of the trustees, too.
> 
> [Elon Musk](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elon_Musk) is one of those famous rich people I kind of wish I could meet. He sent a car into space, what can I say?
> 
> [Jeff Bezos](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeff_Bezos) probably isn't as bad as I've painted him to be, but I needed a token billionaire to turn them down, and as the wealthiest person on the planet, I decided he was it.
> 
> Catherine Amelia Trousers - nickname "Kitty" - was born from one of those memes that does the rounds on Facebook, wherein your real initials determine your fictional name. Kitty Trousers was my result, and I tried to create a character based around it, but she was too much like actual me, so I decided that I'd use it for for God's humansona instead. Her pet cat and favourite food are traits of the character I'd originally worked on.
> 
> Enjoy this gorgeous [sulfur-crested cockatoo](https://youtu.be/3O5C3sHlbPI) playing under the sprinkler here in sunny Queensland. Not my video, but it's a good example of what they do here in summer.
> 
> Pepper channelling this [Ginny](https://youtu.be/Ei4OzTTSka0) moment is life.
> 
> My version of [Haniel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haniel) is based directly on the archangel associated with the planet Venus, not any other fictional character of the same name. I felt like Michael could use a friend/personal assistant.
> 
> The [Hogwarts](https://youtu.be/7I6cJnQQsWc) School Song! Thank you J.K. Rowling for this marvellous bit of silliness!


End file.
